A letter to inconsiderate clients who drop off the records in April

[Abby Normal]

https://www.forbes.com/sites/anthonynitti/2015/04/05/ten-days-until-tax-day-how-to-tell-inconsiderate-clients-youll-be-extending-their-returns/#3e7153702aea

Dear _________,

I heard you stopped by the office today at noon. Sorry I didn’t get to see you; lately I’ve been spending my lunch hour in the parking lot, sitting in my car and quietly weeping.

Judging by the disorganized pile of unopened envelopes and food-stained receipts on my desk that alerted me to your visit, it looks like you dropped off your tax information. How sweet of you!

But here’s the thing. It’s April ____th APRIL _____th!! The tax deadline is in less than ten days. And you know this. You’ve always known this.

Because unlike Thanksgiving, Easter, and Arbor Day, tax day is always on the same exact day of the year: April 15th. Well, except when it falls on a weekend, in which case it might be the 16th or 17th, but you get the idea.

Yet, despite presumably possessing the ability to comprehend the standard Gregorian calendar, here you are, dropping off all of your information mere days before the deadline -- just as you did last year, and the year before that -- and leaving me a Post-It note thanking me for “squeezing you in.”

Only I won’t be squeezing you in.

It’s nothing personal, it’s ju….OK, maybe it is a little personal.

I have to know -- why are you dropping your stuff off now? I could understand if you were waiting for a K-1 or some other information from a third party that just arrived in the mail, but that’s not the case. You’re a W-2-mortgage interest-charitable contribution kinda’ guy, and you’ve always been that way. Yet, simple as that sounds, you can never manage to get your information to me before the calendar turns to April.

And that’s freakin’ rude. Squeeze you in? When, exactly, would you like me to squeeze you in? Last week I worked ___ hours, and I still have ______ returns to get out the door before April 15th. And every single one of those _____ returns is in the queue ahead of you, because those people had the good sense -- nay, the decency -- to bring me their information BEFORE THIS WEEK.

So by asking me to squeeze you in, you’re basically saying, “Hey, I know the next ten days of your life are going to be pure hell, but do me a favor…when you mercifully reach the end of the months-long pile of returns you’ve had to complete, just knock mine out real quick.” It's as if I was asked to run a marathon, only to have you show up with 100 meters left and move the finish line back another mile. And for that, I hope you c0ntract a raging case of pinworms.

Come to think of it, actually, it would be a refreshing change if you conceded that you were at the end of my list. Because if memory serves me, every year you drop off your information on the 5th or 6th, and then start calling on the 7th to find out “how things are coming.”

Well, this year, let me tell you in advance “how things are coming.” Since tax season started, I’ve put on _______ pounds. I haven’t seen my kids during daylight hours since _______. My neighbor just told me that the Fed Ex guy's/Avon lady’s car is often parked outside my house for hours at a time, but whenever I get home, I’ve got no packages/cosmetics but one helluva happy wife/husband. THAT’S how things are coming.

So no, I won’t be “squeezing you in” before April 15th, because that’s a physical impossibility. The only time during the day when I’m not sleeping or preparing a tax return is on my drive to and from work, and careening off the road while trying to prepare your return at 70 mph is not how I intend to die. Although to be honest, right about now the idea of eternal rest sounds pretty damn appetizing.

In short, I’ll be filing an extension for your return. See you in May/hell.

Sincerely,

[Gail in Virginia]

Tell 'em how you feel Abby - don't hold back!

[Catherine]

Loved the letter.  Most of my clients know post 3/15 = extension.  Next year my letter may say ANYONE may go on extension at MY determination, at ANY time.

For those who claim to be desperate, I offer them a $150 dollar rush fee...   To cover me having to bump them up in the queue and then make apologies to those bumped *down* the queue.  Funny how many who NNEEEEDD that return RIGHT away - don't, when it's going to cost them extra.

[JohnH]

You could shorten the letter somewhat:

Dear client:  

Sorry to break it to you like this, but:

1) I'm not jeopardizing my health for your $400 refund or anyone else's. (Martyrdom is way overrated)

2) Here's your extension.

Sincerely,

=============================================

For the clients who call to ask about progress on their return, how about this?

"Sorry things keep stretching out.  You see, every time you cal to ask 'how's it coming?',  I pull out your folder to check on its status, can't remember where it was,  and so then I return it to the bottom of the stack."

[Abby Normal]

I was going to change my voicemail message to say, "We are working as hard as we can to finish as many returns as we can by the deadline, and we will call you when your return is ready. If you leave a message asking how your return is coming, we will do your return last and you will definitely be on extension."