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Catherine

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Catherine

Catherine

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I had an unexpected visit from my younger daughter, on her way to work.  Did a CPE course online on trust and estate taxation that was actually useful.  It was part 2 of 3; part 1 got finished last week and now I need to find time for part 3, but that's three hours.

Did the bulk of one return earlier today, have two to tackle this afternoon.  One is a royal PITA, and the other is disorganized.  So I am poking around online and dithering. Kinda like @jklcpa's procrastinating but with less structure.

LOVE @BHoffman's picture!

Great to hear from everybody.

  • Like 7
FDNY

FDNY

Posted
Posted

I'm here, nowhere else to go, had some oral surgery this morning, 5 stitches.  I was a little tense so I told the doc and nurse a joke to ease my apprehension.

CIA director was looking for a new assassin, so he puts an ad in the paper asking that candidates bring their spouses.  2 men and a woman show up with spouses.  Director puts each spouse in a separate room.  He gives a gun to first man and tells him to go in and kill his wife.  He goes in and comes right out, "can't do it, I love my wife."  Director gives gun to 2nd guy with same instructions.  He too comes right out with same explanation.

Director gives the gun to the woman and she goes into room and he hears bang bang bang bang bang....then silence, then thrashing and screaming noises.  Woman comes out and Director says "What happened in there?"  The woman replies, "well, the gun had blanks so I had to kill him with the chair!" 

 

  • Like 9
Eric

Eric

Posted
Posted

Three guys are hiking through the woods, when they find a magic lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50

The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.

The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.

The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.

First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.

Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.

Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.

First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.

Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.

Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.

The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."

Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."

Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:

"Guys, I think I screwed up."

 

It's better as a physical joke, giving the punchline with your arms and head going.

  • Like 8
rfassett

rfassett

Posted
Posted
44 minutes ago, FDNY said:

I'm here, nowhere else to go, had some oral surgery this morning, 5 stitches.  I was a little tense so I told the doc and nurse a joke to ease my apprehension.

CIA director was looking for a new assassin, so he puts an ad in the paper asking that candidates bring their spouses.  2 men and a woman show up with spouses.  Director puts each spouse in a separate room.  He gives a gun to first man and tells him to go in and kill his wife.  He goes in and comes right out, "can't do it, I love my wife."  Director gives gun to 2nd guy with same instructions.  He too comes right out with same explanation.

Director gives the gun to the woman and she goes into room and he hears bang bang bang bang bang....then silence, then thrashing and screaming noises.  Woman comes out and Director says "What happened in there?"  The woman replies, "well, the gun had blanks so I had to kill him with the chair!" 

 

I just showed this to my wife and she chuckled and said that was cute!  Cute?  I am not sure that is the word that I would have picked!  I think I better hide the chairs tonight!

  • Like 7
NECPA in NEBRASKA

NECPA in NEBRASKA

Posted
Posted

I'm here! I would love to be taking CPE, but I'm stuck with payroll taxes, extensions, clients that only file every three years or so, and answering IRS and state letters. This is my worst summer ever for being behind, because I have too much on my personal and work stuff going on. I don't know how people can get letters from the IRS and state and not give them to me or their attorneys for months. 

  • Like 5
Catherine

Catherine

Posted
  • Author
Posted

A tattered piece of rope; mangled-looking and twisted around, walks into a bar.

Bartender looks up, glares, and says "Hey! Are you a cord? We don't serve cords in here!"

The rope answers, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

(Ba-dum-CHA!)

  • Like 8
FDNY

FDNY

Posted
Posted

A father puts his young daughter to bed every night and loves listening to her say her prayers.  One night she says "God bless Mommy, Daddy, Grandma, and goodbye grandpa."  The next day grandpa dies.  Father thinks, that's weird.

The next night the little girl says "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and goodbye Grandma."  Next day grandma dies.  Father is shocked and thinks he has a psychic daughter.

The third night she says "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy."  Holy Cow! he thinks.  The next day he is careful driving to work and stays in his office watching the clock until it hits midnight, he made it through the day.

So he goes home and tells his wife he had a rough day trying to stay alive, she says, "you think you had a bad day, my tennis pro died today!"

  • Like 8

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