TAX HUMOR

[Lee B]

TAX HUMOR     No problem is so big, or so complicated that can't be run away from. Charles M. Schulz in his Peanuts cartoon Love, sex and the I.R.S are three things that will always be with us.   America: Innocent until proven guilty.  IRS: Guilty until you spend yourself into the poor house trying to prove your innocence.   I don't know whether this is a joke or a lament.  Twenty years ago I was discussing the then mind numbing complexity of the Code with a KPMG partner.  He wondered how he would be able to justify to St. Peter a life spent wading through the Internal Revenue Code.  Think of how much worse it would have been for Jacob Marley had he been forced to carry around a copy of the Code and the Regs for eternity. Courtesy of Pete Wilson, Washington, DC CPA   The real taxpayer rights: You have the right to remain silent.  Anything you say (or we say you said) can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to do exactly what we say or you will receive a visit from a godfather bearing a horse's head without the rest of the horse. Harold Harmon 6-13-09  Durant Daily Democrat   Tax rates are based, not on gross income earned, but on adjusted gross income, computed by factoring in decades of special interest lobbying that change on an annual basis (you know, "sudden rate hikes"). Tim Higgins Toledo Free Press 5-15-09   If a person is an economic being and figures out the odds, then there is a very high incentive to cheat. That is, of course, putting aside honor, duty and patriotism. -- Jerome Kurtz, former Commissioner, IRS   Whomever said that truth never hurts never had to fill out a Form 1040.   Income taxes are voluntary! (If you like prison food) Teri Sforza, Orange County Register 2-18-10   The Washington Post - IRS stands for Internal Revenue Service, but after a frightening report from the IRS inspector general on the inability of the tax collection agency to protect taxpayer data, IRS might stand for Information Relinquishing Service. 4-15-07 ( Note: Nine years alter the problem has grown larger thanks to an improvident series of IRS budget cuts by Congress.) Two accountants are in a bank when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables. In the midst of the chaos, accountant No. 1 jams something in accountant No. 2's hand. Without looking down, accountant No. 2 whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."   The most successful tax lawyer in town had never made a contribution to the Red Cross.  The chairman of the Red Cross, Mr. Wilson, called on the lawyer, hoping to convince him to make a donation.  "You made over $600,000 last year but you haven't given anything back to the community.  How do you reconcile that?"      The lawyer sighed, leaned forward and said, "If you only knew...      My mother is terminally ill; her medical bills far exceed her income.  My brother is a disabled veteran, blind and in a wheelchair.  My sister is raising three children alone since her husband died in an auto accident."     Mr. Wilson offered his sympathy, admitting he had no idea there were so many demands on the lawyer's profits.     The tax lawyer nodded and said, "Exactly...Why should I give to the Red Cross when I don't even give to my own family!"   A man finds a magic lantern and rubs it three times. At once, a genie appears and says, "Master of the lamp, I will grant you three wishes. But, for every wish you make, I must give your tax lawyer double". The man ponders for a moment, then makes his first wish. "Genie, I wish to have a million dollars". The genie responds, "Your wish has been granted and your tax lawyer has received 2 million dollars". The man thinks for another moment, then says, "Genie, I wish to have a 50 foot sailing yacht". The genie responds, "Your wish has been granted and your tax lawyer has received a 100 foot sailing yacht". At this point, the man is somewhat perturbed about his tax  lawyer getting twice as much as he so he thinks long and hard. After some time the man says, "Genie, I wish to be beaten half to death".   An old, somewhat poor widow is in her estate planning lawyer's office and while searching around in her purse for her bifocals, she manages to drop a $100 bill on the floor. It sits there, unnoticed. Later, after the widow has left, the lawyer gets up, notices the money, realizes its source, and is confronted with a dilemma: should he keep the money all for himself, or should he split it with his partner?   Copied from the OSEA Newsletter

[Elrod]

[Gail in Virginia]

One of my favorites:

  A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.