NT: Joke of the Day

[Catherine]

slightly risque

When you’re from the farm, your perception is a little bit different.
A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. “Is your dad or mom home?” said the farmer.
“No, they went to town.”
“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”
“No, he went with Mom and Dad.”
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, “I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message.”
“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably. “No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant”.
The boy thought for a moment…then says, “You’ll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the boars,

but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”

[kcjenkins]

OK, SEE THAT AND RAISE YOU ONE.

Web Sites That Sound Dirty (But Aren't)

You have to be careful when you register a domain name! It's sometimes hard to figure out what words are embedded in it if you don't capitalize things well in your advertising:

Site: GotAHoe.com (Book yourself a hooker?)
Is really: GoTahoe.com (Lake Tahoe Visitors Bureau)

Site: PenisLand.net (Vacation spot to envy?)
Is really: PenIsland.net (Sells custom pens)

Site: TheRapistFinder.com (Locate a violent criminal?)
Is really: TherapistFinder.com (Directory of therapists)

Site: ExpertSexChange.net (Schedule reassignment surgery?)
Is really: ExpertsExchange.net (Data base experts site)

Site: WhorePresents.com (Gift registry for sex workers?)
Is really: WhoRepresents.com (Directory of agents and who they represent)

Site: PowerGenitalia.com (Battery operated toys?)
Is really: PowergenItalia.com (Italian power company)

Site: MolestationNursery.com (Stay away from those kids!)
Is really: MoleStationNursery.com (A plant nursery in Mole Station, Australia)

Site: DollarSexChange.com (For budget-minded surgeries?)
Is really: DollarsExchange.com (Currency trading site)

and...

Site: CummingFirst.com (Oh, dear!)
Is really: CummingFirst.com (Yeah, well, it's the Cumming, Georgia, First Methodist Church!)

[kcjenkins]

[Jack from Ohio]

A TOUGH OLD CATTLEMAN FROM ALBERTA COUNSELED HIS GRANDDAUGHTER THAT IF SHE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HER OATMEAL EVERY MORNING. THE GRANDDAUGHTER DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY UNTIL THE AGE OF 103, WHEN SHE DIED.

SHE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 40-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE!

[ILLMAS]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in Texas when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® netbook computer, connects it to his Apple iPhone4S®, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 15-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of 'em," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?"

"You're a U.S. Congressman," says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cattle, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep."