michaelmars Posted February 3, 2008 Report Posted February 3, 2008 This is MY kind of Doctor !!!!!! Q. I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, What a Ride !!!!!" AND..... For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you. Quote
JRS Posted February 3, 2008 Report Posted February 3, 2008 I have to find that Doctor, though mine seems to lean that way as he gets older! Quote
kcjenkins Posted February 4, 2008 Report Posted February 4, 2008 Loved it. Wish I could find that doctor here. Quote
taxxcpa Posted February 4, 2008 Report Posted February 4, 2008 My doctor told me to quit drinking. He said liquor has killed more men than bullets. I told him that I would rather be full of liquor than full of bullets. Quote
jmallard Posted February 4, 2008 Report Posted February 4, 2008 Great Advise !! Years back George Burns was on the Johnny Carson show on his 100th birthday. Johnny asked him if his doctor told him smoking cigars was bad for him. George replied, "My doctor is dead." Quote
redux Posted February 4, 2008 Report Posted February 4, 2008 A Doctor told an middle aged gentleman that if he gave up wine - women - and song...he'd live 30 years longer, the man replied that he'd give up singing and settle for 10. Quote
Monkeyman Posted February 5, 2008 Report Posted February 5, 2008 A Doctor told an middle aged gentleman that if he gave up wine - women - and song...he'd live 30 years longer, the man replied that he'd give up singing and settle for 10. Mr.Duxbury, I am a 30 year old man and couldn't agree more with that My Unlce Dale kept a gallon of ice cream hidden from his wife in the gas station where I worked as a teenager (1990's). His Wife would leave and he would take 2-3 large spoonfulls and hide the carton back under the meat in the freezer. He also would chug the occasioanal beer and reward me with the same at the end of a hard day (illegally, at 17, and I appreciated every one). Me: "Uncle Dale, Aunt Cathy said you should watch your sugar!" Uncle Dale: "Young Feller (Maine accent) , I will die with a full belly, and I encourage you to do the same" He was born in 1949, smokes cigars and eats ice cream every day, and can still beat me arm-wrestling. He also LOVES my Daughters and does not hesistate to crawl around on the floor with them. "That's all I have to say 'bout that" - Forrest Gump Monkeyman Quote
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