NT - Joke of the day - History

[Jack from Ohio]

Do you know what happened 163 years ago this fall... back in 1850?

California became a state . . . .
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish....
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, nothing has changed except then, the women had real
breasts and the men didn't hold hands.

That, my friend, is the history lesson for today!

[ILLMAS]

Thanks, this lesson in history reminds me of how California was part of Mexico and they can't live in peace in their ancestors territory.

[Jack from Ohio]

The Last Day of Life
�
All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted.
�...
One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.
�
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died." The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.
�
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.
�
He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."
�
"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest... "

[Margaret CPA in OH]

Jack from Ohio, that was so funny even my husband laughed out loud!

[kcjenkins]

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house.He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy. He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end.Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

[Catherine]

Jack from Ohio, that was so funny even my husband laughed out loud!

Jack must be on the same email list as my cousin Norma in NC; she sent this to me yesterday. My husband laughed out loud, too (as did both my girls).

[ILLMAS]

A visiting grand parent asked his grandson what is this blue pill bottle I found in your medicine cabinet, the grand son replies that is Viagra, so the the grand father asked if he can have one and the grandson replies no, they are too expensive, how expensive the grand father asks, it's $30 a pill, no problem I can pay that, I will leave the $30 under your pillow. The next day the grandson checks his pillow and finds $330, so thinking maybe his grand father misunderstood him, he calls him to clarify things, gramps I said the pills were $30 a pill not $330, grand father replies, the $30 were from me and the $300 was from your grandmother

[Guest Taxed]

Better hide those blue pills. Grandma may get used to it for good???

[Jack from Ohio]

"My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

[ILLMAS]

A lady walks in to see her plastic surgeon for her yearly touch ups, the doctor asked her if she wanted to try out this new procedure where they put a screw on top of you head and you tweak it once you see a wrinkle. The excited lady says of course, sign me up for it, the doctor then cautions her not to over do it. After a couple of months later the lady comes in storming in the doctors office wanting to talk to him, she starts telling the doctor, this new procedure has done nothing but given me bags under my eyes and then the doctor reminded her, I told you to use caution, but if you keep adjusting the screw pretty soon you are going to end up with a beard

[Jack from Ohio]

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."

"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?" ...

"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

[ILLMAS]

A farmer lived in ancient Rome. He was working in the fields one day when he came across a giant strawberry, about one foot wide and 18 inches high. He thought this would be a novelty that many would want to see, so he took it home, washed it off, and set up a display in a case. He advertised the giant strawberry far and wide, and people came from all over to see the exhibit. He charged admission and made a pile of money.

However, he failed to report his earnings to the tax authorities, so they came to his farm to confiscate the exhibit. When they arrived at his door, he said, "I suppose you have come all this way to admire my exhibit as well?"

"No," they said. "We've come to seize your berry, not to praise it."

[Lion EA]

Groan!

[Jack from Ohio]

A farmer lived in ancient Rome. He was working in the fields one day when he came across a giant strawberry, about one foot wide and 18 inches high. He thought this would be a novelty that many would want to see, so he took it home, washed it off, and set up a display in a case. He advertised the giant strawberry far and wide, and people came from all over to see the exhibit. He charged admission and made a pile of money.

However, he failed to report his earnings to the tax authorities, so they came to his farm to confiscate the exhibit. When they arrived at his door, he said, "I suppose you have come all this way to admire my exhibit as well?"

"No," they said. "We've come to seize your berry, not to praise it."

OK Mas, you slid this one past me....

[kcjenkins]

A woman walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

Her curiosity getting the better of her, she goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man doesn't even look up, and says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

She watches as he continues with his work -- he clearly is on a mission.

"But why?" asks the woman.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.