Laugh of the Day

[kcjenkins]

Man's Best Friend

How Dogs and Men Are Alike

1. Both keep moving, even when they are lost.

2. Both take up too much space on the bed.

3. Both have irrational fears about the vacuum cleaner.

4. Both are threatened by their own kind

5. Neither understands what people see in cats.

6. Both want dominance.

7. Both do the dishes by licking them clean.

8. Both chase cars.

9. The larger ones tend to drool.

10. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

How Dogs Are Better Than Men

1. Dogs don't have problems expressing affection in public.

2. Dogs miss you when you are gone.

3. You can train a dog.

4. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.

5. Dogs understand what "NO!" means.

6. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

7. When dogs play "fetch," they don't laugh at how you throw.

8. Dogs are color blind.

9. Dogs understand if some of their friends aren't allowed to come inside.

10. Dogs are less likely to hump your leg.

How Dogs are Better Than Women

1. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

2. Dogs don't hate their bodies.

3. Dogs don't criticize.

4. Dogs never expect gifts.

5. Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you've ever had.

6. Dogs don't let a magazine article guide their lives.

7. Dogs love it when your friends come over.

8. The later you are coming home, the more excited they are to see you.

9. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

10. A dog's parents never visit.

[Catherine]

Jokes for Geeks (once again from our friends at Jumbo Joke; see link below)

A friend sent me 21 jokes "only geeks will understand". I have to admit I "got" all of them. But not all of them were good! Here are the Top 10:

• A Roman Centurion walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
• "You mean a martini?" the bartender replies.

  The Centurion says, "If I had wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"

• Q: Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas?

  A: Because Oct 31=Dec 25.

• A logician's wife has a baby. The doctor hands the newly born kid to his father.

  "Well?" the wife demands. "Is it a boy or a girl?"

  The logician replies (completely correctly!) "Yes."

• Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have some H2O."

  The second scientist says "I'll have some H2O too."

  After taking a drink, the second scientist dies.

• There are only two hard things in Computer Science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.

• Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "Would all of you like a drink?"

  The first logician says, "I don't know."

  The second logician says, "I don't know."

  And the third logician says, "Yes!"

• Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer.

  The bartender says, "Sorry: we don't serve noble gases here."

  He doesn't react.

• Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?

  He's 0K now.

• Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting in a French cafe and tells the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream."

  The waitress says, "I'm sorry, but we're out of cream. Would you like that with no milk?"

• Q: How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

  A: Ask them to pronounce "unionized".

- - -

And an oldie bonus:

• There are 10 kinds of people: those who understand binary, and those who don't.

• - See more at: http://www.jumbojoke.com/jokes_for_geeks.html#sthash.qfijXxg7.dpuf

[Terry O]

:spaz:

[Jack from Ohio]

"A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.
He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot int...o the ceiling. 'Who stole my horse?' he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
'I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!'
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, 'Say partner, what happened in Texas?'
The cowboy turned back and said, 'I had to walk home!'

[ILLMAS]

A man goes into a bar and sat down, and ordered a beer. As he drank the beer, he heard a soothing voice say "nice tie!" Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said "great shirt".

At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey...I must be losing my mind," he told the barkeep. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us."

"It's the peanuts," said the bartender.

"What???"

"You heard me," said the barman. "It's the peanuts ... they're complimentary."

Feel free to play it everything you hear a lame joke.

http://youtu.be/LekUKeFijxc

[Jack from Ohio]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father, and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
...
"I may look like an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card.

Three days later, she became his STEPMOTHER.

[Catherine]

Why the Services Can't Work Together

From a military buddy (active duty Air Force).

- - -

One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.

For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

(Insert MAS' drum roll here...)

- See more at: http://www.jumbojoke.com/why_the_services_cant_work_together.html#sthash.6ID0uAuy.dpuf

[ILLMAS]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father, and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

...

"I may look like an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card.

Three days later, she became his STEPMOTHER.

Tom was in the situation as Dan, when he asked his wife if she married him because of the inheritance his father left him, the wife replied when I married you I already knew I didn't care where the inheritance came from

[taxxcpa]

Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully

slipped into the U.S.A.

The first spy starts speaking in Arabic.

The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers: "Don't blow our cover.

You're in America now. Speak Spanish."

[ILLMAS]

Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully

slipped into the U.S.A.

The first spy starts speaking in Arabic.

The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers: "Don't blow our cover.

You're in America now. Speak Spanish."

Lol pretty soon they be Americanized that will be working in the fields and cooking your food.

[taxxcpa]

Lol pretty soon they be Americanized that will be working in the fields and cooking your food.

Or bombing your buildings.

[Elrod]

OUCH!