NT: Laugh of the Day

[Catherine]

Dilbert; with a tip of the hat to one of my tax clients, who sent it to me today.

http://www.dilbert.com/dyn/str_strip/000000000/00000000/0000000/100000/80000/0000/900/180959/180959.strip.gif

[Margaret CPA in OH]

I saw that, too...cracked me up! I have also cut it from the paper to add to my funnies file.

[Jack from Ohio]

Vaseline survey
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?'
She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'
'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'
... 'We use it for sex.'
The researcher was a little taken back.
'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?'
The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all...
My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.'
And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke...!
Shame on you !

[kcjenkins]

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
“I can't do that, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.”

“Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.”

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.”

“Alright, we could get a blood sample.”

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.”

“Fine then, just walk this white line.”

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m drunk.”

[kcjenkins]

A blonde city girl, named Amy, marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You can show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn.

They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm dying to know - how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?'

'That's simple-by the nail over its stall,' Amy explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

[kcjenkins]

A local business was looking for office help.

They put a sign in the window, stating the following:

"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside.

He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least.

However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter.

He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.

By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded!

He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!":)

[Kea]

But, then he might just be trilingual. He's already demonstrated an abiltiy to understand English and I "assume" he speaks "Dog."

[JJStephens]

Things I sometimes wish I could say . . . but probably never will!

1. I see your point, but I still think you're full of baloney!
2. I see your point . . . perhaps you should wear a hat.
3. I don't know what your problem is . . . but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4. How about never? Is never good for you?
5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
6. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
7. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
8. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
9. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
10. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
11. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
12. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
13. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
14. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
15. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
16. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
17. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
18. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!
19. Do I look like a people person?
20. This isn't an office. It's a nightmare with fluorescent lighting.
21. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
22. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
23. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
24. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
25. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
26. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
27. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
28. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
29. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
30. Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
    

[JJStephens]

NEW PROVERBS

• If you're too open minded your brains will fall out.
• Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
• Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry he'll be a mile way—and barefoot.
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
• Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
• No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
• Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

[kcjenkins]