Laugh of the Day

[kcjenkins]

A young guy from West Virginia moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in West Virginia ."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in West Virginia , but you're not in the mines anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing...................

[joanmcq]

Lol, lol, LOL!!!! Thanks KC. Now back to a bunch of stock trades....

[Gail in Virginia]

I love it!

[Catherine]

Too, too, TOO funny!!!!!

I needed that one; thanks, KC.

[kcjenkins]

[kcjenkins]

A new doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town’s grouch So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothing', so what are you going to do?"

The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43."
Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells.
"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor.

So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!"
Thinking he got the doctor, he smiles. The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..."
Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the office.

[kcjenkins]

A Doctors Advice
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband’s libido.
‘What about trying Viagra?’, asked the doctor.
“Not a chance,” she said. “He won’t even take an aspirin.”
“Not a problem,” replied the doctor. “Give him an ‘Irish Viagra. It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me ina week to let me know how things went.”
It wasn’t a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, “Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!”
“Really? What happened?” asked the doctor.
“Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters, and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!”
“Why so terrible?” asked the doctor. “Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?”
“Twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!”

[kcjenkins]

Bridge To Hawaii

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said “OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!”
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?”
The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete…how much steel!! No-think of another wish.”
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, “I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women….know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment….know why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say ‘nothing’….know how to make them truly happy….”
The genie said, “You want that bridge two lanes or four?”

[joanmcq]

Never show my face in Starbucks again! ROFLMAO!!!

[Gail in Virginia]

KC, I really appreciate all the smiles you add to our lives!

[kcjenkins]

50 Things you didn't need to know ... ♥ d

1 - Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2 - Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3 - There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4 - The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.
5 - A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes
6 - There are more chickens than people in the world.
7 - The longest one-syllable word in the English language is”screeched.”
8 - On a Canadian two-dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
9 - All of the clocks in the movie “Pulp Fiction” are stuck on 4:20.
10 - No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
11 - “Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt”.
12 - Almonds are a member of the peach family.
13 - There are only 4 words in the English language which end in “dous”: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
14 - A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
15 - An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
16 - Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
17 - In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
18 - Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
19 - The characters Bert & Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s “It’s a Wonderful Life.”
20 - A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
21 - A goldfish has a memory span of 3 seconds.
22 - It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
23 - The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
24 - In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
25 - The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
26 - The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
27 - There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
28 - The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.
29 - A cockroach can live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
30 - A polar bear’s skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.
31 - Elvis had a twin brother named Aaron, who died at birth,which is why
Elvis’ middle name was spelled Aron: in honor of his brother. It is also
misspelled on his tomb stone.
32 - Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
33 - More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane
crashes. (Not any more!)
34 - Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
35 - Shakespeare invented the words “assassination” and “bump.”
36 - Marilyn Monroe had 6 toes on one foot.
37 - If you keep a goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.
38 - Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
39 - Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
40 - The sentence “the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” uses every letter in the English language .
41 - The names of the continents all end with the same letter with which they start.
42 - TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.
43 - The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.
44 - A snail can sleep for 3 years.
45 - American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class
46 - The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
47 - Vatican City is the smallest country in the world with a population of 1,000 and a size of 108.7 acres.
48 - “I am.” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
49 - No president of the United states was an only child.

And last and definitely most important:
50 - The average chocolate bar has 8 insects’ legs in it. (i really
needed to know that!!)