Dear Client

[MN dhawk]

My favorite this year:

Phone message: You told me my federal bracket is 25% and my state bracket is 5%. But you figured I owe the state much more than the federal. This can't make any sense. Please get it corrected.

These people are allowed to vote!

[schirallicpa]

Dear client:

Please don't come to me in March to have me figure out what to do with the mess that the attorney across the street created. From May to Dec I am very flexible in my schedule and I will be glad to walk 100 yards to meet with you and your attorney so that maybe, just maybe, things will be correctly reported in March.

And while we're at it - please Mr. Attorney, don't start any more partnerships over there without talking to me either.

thanks.

[mcb39]

Dear Client.....

Thank you for ruining my entire afternoon. When you called at 11:30 AM and told me you needed about a half hour of my time, I told you to come at 1:00 so I could have some lunch. You finally left me with my headache at 3:30 after going over and over nearly every business deduction that you should have had posted correctly in the first place.

Also, thank you for calling me one half hour after you left to let me know that you are thinking about switching from mileage to actual expenses on your big truck; since I was stupid enough to tell you that was a consideration. Thank you for finally leaving so that I could try to soothe my headache with a cold can of beer, so that you could go home to a nice warm cooked supper while I still have clothes to get off the line and the lunch dishes still on the table.

Sincerely yours, Out OF Commission.! :mad:

[frannie]

Client, friend, neighbor, coworker, stranger: "Hey, I've got a question for you".

[RitaB]

Client, friend, neighbor, coworker, stranger: "Hey, I've got a question for you".

That always rubs me wrong. I want to say, "That's ok, just keep it."

My biggest pet peeve - Hate it when people ask me about taxes when I'm at church, ball games, on FaceBook. Seriously, had one FB friend to send me a message: "What do you charge for taxes?"

My reply: "60 - 485. So far."

[RitaB]

Dear Client,

Thanks a lot for cutting out the copies of canceled checks from your bank statements for your medical expenses and contributions to animal shelters. It is more fun for me to pick up these little 1 x 2 inch rectangles from under my desk where they fell out of your envelope, and add them up, than it would be if you simply gave me a total, you cat lady. Oh, and thanks also for making me realize that I need stronger reading glasses, and a chiropractic adjustment from hitting my back on the bottom of my desk.

[JohnH]

Just received this in an e-mail... Names removed to protect the guilty!!

<<<"I will be mailing in our tax info by the end of this week. I am planning a trip out of town April 11th thru the 18th. I know I have to sign our taxes before you electronically send them? My husband wanted to make sure that we will get them before I leave for out of town. Can you advise me on when I will be able to get the paperwork back, and or if I should postpone my trip. I realize I should have gotten you the info before now, I apologize for the lateness.">>>

Ya just gotta love our clients!!!

This one's easy:

"No need to apologize, and no need to postpone your trip either.

As soon as I get your info I'll be preparing your extension.

We can deal with this in May or June - no problem."

[Catherine]

Client, friend, neighbor, coworker, stranger: "Hey, I've got a question for you".

Got a standard answer for this one -- "Topeka, Kansas."

They don't like the answer - they asked the wrong question. Folks in Kansas may want to substitute "Nome, Alaska" or some other far away location.

It has always astounded me how the shortest questions require the longest answers. For example, "How do you do payroll?" Or, "What _is_ AMT?" (Quick answer: alternative MAXIMUM tax.)

Catherine

[Lion EA]

Dear Client,

If you had not reused an old envelope, taping it shut with clear packing tape and taping all the pages along their long sides to the inside of the envelope, I might be able to read the account numbers, after separating the pages from the envelope, from each other, and cleaning my envelope opener from all the tape. I know your lawyer is charging a higher hourly rate than I do, so maybe you'll appreciate the price I charge you for your return with all those pages of trades.

"I am preparing my mom's estate taxes with my lawyer and I am missing a 1099 from Bank of America. Could you check the Bank of America 1099(s) I included with the stuff I sent you and let me know which account(s) I sent you?"

[Lion EA]

Dear Client,

Yes, I know you have dyslexia and write out everything in great detail for yourself. And, I do appreciate your adding up all your income and expenses for me. But, please just send me your adding machine tape with your documents. Do NOT bother copying everything over for me on pretty cover sheets, as you transpose digits -- as you well know -- so I have to readd all your receipts anyway.

[BulldogTom]

Dear client:

If your dependent child has already filed their tax return on line, claiming themselves, so they can get their $39 refund check back because they didn't fill out their W-4 as exempt, that's your problem, and yes - you will pay for their amended return. And no, you can't efile now with them on your return. And yes - your refund will now take forever. Hey - he's your kid.

Oh my, that is almost exactly what we are going through with one client, but SHE took him to the place that will do it for free, and they screwed it up - did not take AOC or 8880 credit. Then she comes to us and can't understand why she is going to have to pay. Pissed that she is being charged the "same as last year, when I don't have my son on the return".

Some times you want to just kick them out. But, when you need every client, you just go on smiling on the outside.

Tom

Lodi, CA

[Lion EA]

Kicking out a bad client makes room for two more good ones, ones you don't have to spend all that time explaining what they did to shoot themselves in the foot.

[michaelmars]

A client i emailed corp extensions to did get back to me on 3/16 with an email stating that he lost money so he shouldn't pay anything. i explained NY and NYC minimum taxes and how NYC taxes corps on the shareholders salary. He understood and said ok, then i followed up "good you understand but its too late, deadline passed. and you should have returned mine and my secretary's numerous calls and emails over the last 2 day. i was a nice guy though and filed the fed extension since authorization wan't needed.

[BulldogTom]

Kicking out a bad client makes room for two more good ones, ones you don't have to spend all that time explaining what they did to shoot themselves in the foot.

Ah, but finding the two to replace the one, when you still have time for all three, that is the trick. You see, my pracitic is not big enough yet to allow me the liberty of kicking them out. I have plenty of room for even the "worst" of clients, so long as they pay. I only kick out the ones who don't pay.

Tom

Lodi, CA

[Lion EA]

OK, keep them but raise their price. A lot. And, tell all your nice clients you are taking new clients.

[Catherine]

Dear Client:

"Cash in Lieu" still needs reporting on Schedule D. This is NOT cash you found in the loo. If you don't understand the term, perhaps you should consider having a little chat with your financial "advisor".

[BulldogTom]

Dear Client:

"Cash in Lieu" still needs reporting on Schedule D. This is NOT cash you found in the loo. If you don't understand the term, perhaps you should consider having a little chat with your financial "advisor".

Does "Deed in Lieu" mean the mortgage is in the toilet?

Tom

Lodi, CA

[kcjenkins]

Lion is right, Tom. Don't fire them, but DO raise their price significantly. It will either run them off next year or make them worth your time, either way you will feel better about them. And are you using those neat little coupons that the ATX program has built in? Giving them to all your good clients is a great way to build your practice.

[Kea]

Dear Client,

Thank you so much for explaining to me which rules I must follow and which I do not. I'm sorry I asked you for signed written permission to discuss your late mother's REMICs with her broker. Now that you made me "listen to [you]" while you explained that I was just making things complicated & I don't need to have the signed permission because you already told the broker I might call with questions." Your response of "who's going to know?" when I explained it was an IRS rule really opened my eyes. I've been doing this all wrong. Now I know I don't have to follow rules if no one will know the difference.

Thanks for understanding that it is my policy to make sure I prepare all returns in the most complicated way possible. I love making my clients jump through lots of unnecessary hoops - especially in late March. And I am truly sorry that I haven't finished your return in the week since our appointment. I know you didn't get the last of the broker statements (the one with the OIDs) until Saturday. I'm sorry I didn't already know all the proper procedures for handling these types of investments for a decedent return. I know you were hoping that the return would already be complete because you "have other things to do."

So, if you don't like the way I follow complicated rules - when no one would know otherwise, you are more than welcome to pick up your papers and go elsewhere. I'm sure it won't be hard to find someone more knowledgeable than me. But I do wish you good luck finding someone who has more time than me - someone who can complete the returns in a day - in LATE MARCH!

OK, now off to the store to steal a candy bar while no one is looking. No problem if no one knows. Oh, the possibilites!

Sincerely,....

PS I really appreciate your making me listen to you while you tell me how to do my job. I'm so glad you know more about the IRS rules than I do!

[Catherine]

Wow, Kathryn -- sounds like a REAL winner of a client! -Please- tell us you handed the bozo his stack of papers as you showed him the door. Or at least doubled/tripled his bill...

[michaelmars]

i once gave a complainer his copy of the return with every worksheet available as backup, i hit print all

[Kea]

Catherine - I did offer him his papers & he asked me to send him an e-mail explaining what I need. We'll see. For some reason this is still eating at me today (happened yesterday). He was one of my first clients that followed me after I helped him at HRB. And he's sent me some good referrals. But I am just having a hard time letting go of his telling me the rules.

He already knows my hourly rate. So I guess I just have to add more hours. After all, how does he know how many hours it takes me?

And to quote you from several prior posts "Grrrr."

[Lion EA]

Don't forget to bill him for the time spent listening to him, reading his emails, relearning how to do your job now that he's shown you the light, etc.

[Jack from Ohio]

Dear Client,

Thank you so much for explaining to me ...

...- someone who can complete the returns in a day - in LATE MARCH!

OK, now off to the store to steal a candy bar while no one is looking. No problem if no one knows. Oh, the possibilites!

Sincerely,....

PS I really appreciate your making me listen to you while you tell me how to do my job. I'm so glad you know more about the IRS rules than I do!

Put together a 3 page totally comprehensive engagement letter essentially saying that everything he/she gives you has been approved by him and is accurate and he/she has all documentation to support the information. There should be at least 12-15 separate sections. At the end of each section, require his/her signature. Tell him/her that without all this document signed properly by him, you cannot finish his return.

To see if he would really read it, slide in a paragraph about "substantial increase in preparation fees" due to the extra time and effort needed to complete his return. Make it about 40%.

Makes me wonder how accurate the information you have received in the past is??? :dunno:

[Kea]

Great suggestions! Thanks for letting me vent!